Well, the first episode of the the new Fifth Gear went out a couple of days ago. The general consensus is favourable of the no nonsense, fast paced, no studio format. It was great to see Plato savour every aspect of the 458 Italia. Question is, will he chop in the 911 Turbo?

If you watched this first ep, you may have seen the unfortunate Austin Mini T-boning an equally unfortunate Lexus LS400. As the Lex was destined for certain death (and it had a gallon of fuel in the tank), I decided to give the old girl one last blaze of glory. Here is what happened. Apologies for the lack of driving talent on my part. I blame the baking serrated concrete:

PS: The Charger is still not re-MoTed and out on the road, where it belongs on sunny days like today. I’ve struggled to find the time and inspiration to get to the workshop and remove the steering wheel to replace/fiddle with the indicator stalk mechanism. Am desperate to find some clips to re-fit the rear roof pillar ‘V’-trims too. It looks crap without those. The whole car needs a good weekend of tinkering really. Must do asap. Must also take it for a rolling road to sniff out the cause of the throttle flutter flat spot off-idle….

Fifth Gear is back on June 3rd. Just got home from a week’s filming with Tiff, who genuinely talks non stop. It isn’t helped when you are sitting next to him in a car for 3 days (10+ hours each day) and he’s swigging cans of energy potion non stop. First we did a trial together in Yorkshire, then we set off on an ambitious electric car roadtrip in the Mitsubishi iMiev. It may look like a tooth, but the skinny iMiev was a pretty good little soldier, proving that driving on 100% voltage doesn’t feel as alien as you might think. Is it the future? Wait and see what we think when the episode appears in mid June.

http://fwd.five.tv/fifth-gear/blog/new-series-motoring-in-soon

This week has had a small low and a massive high:

LOW

I found an immaculate 1982 Audi Coupe GT 5S for sale in Wales. Wanted it badly and was planning to hitch a lift with a mate’s microlite and get over there to buy it. Unfortunately the day after I enquired it sold, for 60% less than the £1200 asking price. Bollock porridge.

HIGH

Never mind, it could be worse. Besides, if I’d got my wallet out and fired up the non Quattro, it would have meant flogging the Mercedes estate – which could be a foolish act. 24 hours later I got a text from a local woman who had been left two mk1 Ford Escorts in her uncle’s will. One is a 2-door under a tarp on her drive. It’s been there 5 years and I’ve been sniffing around it for 4.5 years. She asked if I wanted to see the other car. “It’s hardly been used”

She wasn’t wrong. After unseizing all the garage locks, we pulled the doors open to reveal a 4-door 1974 Mk1 Escort 1300 XL draped in old curtains. Tugging the curtains off was like that moment at the end of Pulp Fiction when they open the suitcase. A light shone straight into my retinas and made the jaw somewhat slack.

Sat before me was a car smothered in protective oil, with plastic seat covers still on the seats. Bright blue and not a scratch, dent or patch of ferrous oxide in sight. We opened the leather fob to find the keys and carefully sat behind the wheel. I was in a brand new Ford Escort. It has 966 miles on the clock. It was never really used.

I have purposely not taken any photos because we will be doing a full photoshoot on this spectacular piece of mothballing for a future mag feature. I’ve seen 29,000 and 30-odd thousand milers before, but this is an entirely new ball park. In fact, it’s a ballpark from Life On Mars. I’m still in disbelief that a car could be pampered and squirreled away for so long. It’s all thanks to Cheryl’s uncle, who had a huge appetite for Mk1s. The 2-door under a tarp was his daily runner, while this 900 mile XL was his weekend weapon. I’m guessing he didn’t go far at the weekends.

Ironically, I had been jogging past the garage on one of my routes for the past year or so. It just goes to show that there are STILL hoarded gems lurking out there in the hundreds of garages and lock-ups across Britain. And I wouldn’t want it any other way…

A lazy sun drenched Sunday on 25th April 6.20pm ended with a bang. Me, my wife and our seven month old daughter were driving in my long-term test car – a pearl white Nissan Cube – from a friends’ place in North Curry, Somerset, heading towards Thornfalcon. It’s a back road so narrow, but not narrow enough to slow down when something like a black Skoda pick-up comes the other way.

When said black Skoda is but 20-metres away from passing us, an arm appeared out the driver’s window and lobbed a stone/brick straight at my windscreen. They were a good shot as it hit exactly where my eyes were staring out. The screen shattered and rendered visibility almost nil. Luckily we had only been cruising at about 30mph otherwise it could have ended very differently. The screen had stayed intact so we didn’t have to pick shards from our eyebrows, but it was still a huge shock. It it weren’t for the fact we had to get Kitty-Mae home for bath/bed @ 6.30pm at my parent’s place, I would have stayed out searching for the thimble dicks who committed this act.

I recall the Skoda being R-reg, probably resprayed and it had a distinctive green painted front grille. Two occupants (not that you can fit any more in a pick-up). It’s been reported to the Police but, as of 10th May, I’ve heard nothing.

Should I gather the boys up and sniff out the scum and tickle ‘em with bats? Maybe. It’s times like this when you realise some people really are messed up. More than anything I’m brassed off that the delivery mileage Cube got hurt. Nissan are presently trying to source a new windscreen. No bodywork was damaged thankfully, but it made my late night drive down to Plymouth for a Fifth Gear film day a little difficult. There was about 2″ square of clear glass to stare out of for a 70 miles journey. I wouldn’t recommend it, but it was either that or take the train. As much as I like sitting down and watching scenery stream past over a can of warm 1664, I don’t fancy paying £104 for the privilege.

The Conservatives are back. I’m not going to drone about my political orientation, or whether Gordon should have stayed – however it has been interesting to see an old model XJ Jag coming and going from Downing Street. Rumour has it they kept the two generations old armoured  (X308?) models and opted to refurbish them rather than shell out £400k for new models. Or is it because aluminium XJs don’t take kindly to grenades or bullets?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8675913.stm

David Cam was seen in a previous gen alloy-cat yesterday, but maybe they hadn’t bothered beefing that up. It seems like there’s a dusty collection of terror-resistant Jags being used in random rotation. You’d think they would stick to their own steed, like truckers. Truckers don’t want to smell another trucker’s stilton stenching Reeboks or guff infused seat fabric. Same goes for politicians, right?

One Twitterer pointed out that Cameron’s XJ looked like it’d seen some repaint work on one door.

Today, however, it looks like the new XJs have finally been drafted in. Thank goodness. According to Pistonheads (http://www.pistonheads.com/news/default.asp?storyId=21932) the cars were delayed being signed off by the Met, although you can’t help wondering if they saved the new metal for the new powers that be.

More importantly, with the Cons back and Labour out the door, will we see a return of the rolling 25-year old classic car tax exemption scheme. A fine idea indeed, and one that was swiftly halted in 1997. If your car was built in February 1973 then you have to pay full tax, but if your car was built in December 1972 then your windscreen disc is gratis.

Just before writing this I noticed that a pistonheads.com disciple has already put finger to keyboard and asked the Cons whether a 1985 (or previous) car will get free tax:

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&t=847433&d=0&nmt=

It’s funny to look back at articles like this Independent piece, actively encouraging people to take advantage of the tax relief and buy an old motor.

http://www.independent.co.uk/money/the-chancellor-abolished-road-tax-on-old-cars-heres-how-to-turn-that-to-your-advantage-1523718.html

Got back from a meeting on Monday with the production company (North One, Birmingham) for Fifth Gear. It felt great to be back in a room with VBH (www.butler-henderson.com), Plato (twitter.com/jasonplato), Uncle Needell (twitter.com/tiff_tv) and a large platter of fig rolls.

The new series is pencilled to air on Five from May 6th but that could change. For you foreign fans who keep emailed or Twittering to ask when it comes to your country, keep eyes peeled for it on Discovery channel after in June time. Oh, and it’s called Fifth Gear because in the UK it transmits on channel Five. Don’t read into it any further than that – we’re not prejudice against six speed gearboxes, or indeed 7-spd, 8-spd (Lexus), Porsche’s PDK or old motors with 4-spd manuals. You can’t please everyone…

I’m not a food snob. I can’t cook and can’t be bothered to talk about caramelised onions or fusion this or that. The two blokes from Masterchef trouble me. The one with hair just looks like he wakes up and turns straight to the bottle, while the bald one is a hybrid between Heston Blumenthal and someone called Terry from Nissan UK PR (hi Terry). They talk like it’s the end of the world if someone drips a dash of soy sauce onto mashed potato. Just eat your food and be happy someone has made it for you. Gits.

I’ve had a GT3 911 on test for the past few days and it’s been absolutely exquisite. Better than any food. In fact, I’d survive on bleached white bread (the sort you buy just to feed ducks) and no-name Cola for eternity if it meant owning one of these. 3.8, normal aspiration, sizzling acceleration from 4,000 revs and just the right amount of balance of steering wheel communication and cabin comfort.

As a journo we test cars so we can comment on them and draw comparisons between other cars. People think we’re lottery winners. Neighbourhood watch folk presume we peddle pills. I take pride in doing everyday things in extraordinary cars. Like today. My wife went to Waitrose to buy the posh food, while I went to Lidl to fetch the bog roll, beer, bulk grape juice and toilet cleaner. It’s a German no-nonsense store with pleasing prices. The GT3 is a no-nonsense German car with, err, a price tag of £85,564 including the dreaded.

The roll cage and Michelin Pilot Sport smooth rubber are not vital for a Lidl run, however the 30mm frontal ride height raise (Lidl’s speed humps are pretty brutal) and progressive smooth clutch are welcomed.There wasn’t a huge amount of shopping so I just slung everything in the front seat and foot well as opposed to using the 911’s front bottom stowage.

Next week? Taking a dead fish back to the aquarium shop for a refund in an LFA Lexus. The fish is in the freezer ready for post mortem. Just got to ask Toyota about the LFA…

PS: Filming for the new series of Fifth Gear starts soon. Watch this space.

The short story goes something like this:

I’ve always had a curious fascination for travelling funfairs. The smell of red diesel, onions and sweet candy apples. Sometimes a whiff of chunder. It’s the bright lights and classic scroll paint designs that really catch the eye. As a nipper I couldn’t get enough of the dodgems or waltzers. As an adult, the addiction lingers, to the point where I started getting friendly with showmen (semi-nomadic funfair owners) and searching for a vintage waltzer car. Why? A sofa.

A daft dream of turning one into a comfy easy chair is becoming reality. Slowly. It too a while to find a waltzer carriage that would be sold as a single, as most keep getting renovated and used to earn money. Most of the waltzers you see at British funfairs are probably over half a century old. They just keep going and going, earning and earning.

My waltzer is a Maxwell car. This means it is British built and with a rounded back. The little lump displaying the number on the front of the car is a trademark  of the Maxwell, I’m told.

I bought this car two years ago and have been a lazy arse. Progress only really started in November. Its rotten state explains why this waltzer no longer makes teenagers dizzy on Skegness seafront. The plan is to retain its original hand painted artwork and make it solid. Pete, my chippy mate, has reinforced the floors with 1″ MDF, bolted up some wheelie bin casters and torn out the rubber vertical pew back rest.

The wooden frame is now raked and ready to accept a more chilled backrest. Upholstery comes once I’ve removed the entire french windows of the house to get this 6ft-circular hulk indoors. The wife is delighted.

Metal flake vinyl upholstery is on the cards, to keep that glitzy funfair flavour:

http://www.abbeyfabricsuk.com/naugahyde.htm

http://www.jeffreyphipps.com/Inlay%2714.jpg

I might get a knock-off Tommy Hilfiger jumper and smother it in hydraulic oil to keep things ‘carny’. Thanks to Paul Harrison, Exec Director,
Communications & Public Affairs at Ford of Europe, for his classic bus/coach contacts. The side trim used on classic coaches will be used as a waistband embellishment on the waltzer. See, there was a car connection somewhere.
Trust me, that was the short version of the Waltzer saga. More coming soon. Oh, and this project was started way before celebrity Big Brother slung one in their diary room. How dare they.

Met this guy last summer @ Santa Pod raceway with a flawless black pro-street ‘57 Chevy Belair. The car was detailed to the nines. You could tell he lived and breathed every billet bit of it. He showed me the Lenco drag gearbox – probably the toughest, most distinct and complicated manual transmissions you’ve laid eyes on. Every lever is a gear. No H-gate. Slam one lever, then move to the next, then the next and so on. Each gear has its own bellhousing, which is bolted in series to the next. Lencos can be built up to five speeds, using manual or air shift. This one will handle about 3000 bhp. And that’s the point of it. Besides looking so damn macho, it’s built to withstand masses of torque and be maintained/rebuilt without too much hassle.

Not sure how it would behave on Southend sea front in stop-start traffic, but it doesn’t really matter. A tranny doesn’t get more hardcore than this. You can keep your DSG, Tiptronic, paddle-shifts and H-gates.

Not one needing a garage, MoT or insurance, thankfully. I used to read about these Tamiya Hilux trucks in brochures when I was a kid. They are regarded as the best made RC cars of the time, because the entire chassis and suspension was made of metal. Hell, it even has a 3 speed gearbox which you can shift via the radio unit. I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to own one. All I gotta do now is find a 4 channel Acoms/Futaba radio unit and speed controller. If you think the original Hilux is a tough old boot, its RC dwarf brother is pretty hardcore. Cheers to David Yu (www.auto-journals.com) for parting with his childhood companion. 

Am I the only one who gets a little damp ‘down there’ seeing these mini leaf springs and 4wd drive couplings, all crafted out of precise 1970s Japanese metal?

The advantage of owning a model Hilux as opposed to a real one is that you don’t get hounded by travellers asking if you’d like to swap it for a caravan or dog. Whether you say yes or no, the chances of it being on the drive by dawn are remarkably slim. Allegedly.