The short story goes something like this:

I’ve always had a curious fascination for travelling funfairs. The smell of red diesel, onions and sweet candy apples. Sometimes a whiff of chunder. It’s the bright lights and classic scroll paint designs that really catch the eye. As a nipper I couldn’t get enough of the dodgems or waltzers. As an adult, the addiction lingers, to the point where I started getting friendly with showmen (semi-nomadic funfair owners) and searching for a vintage waltzer car. Why? A sofa.

A daft dream of turning one into a comfy easy chair is becoming reality. Slowly. It too a while to find a waltzer carriage that would be sold as a single, as most keep getting renovated and used to earn money. Most of the waltzers you see at British funfairs are probably over half a century old. They just keep going and going, earning and earning.

My waltzer is a Maxwell car. This means it is British built and with a rounded back. The little lump displaying the number on the front of the car is a trademark  of the Maxwell, I’m told.

I bought this car two years ago and have been a lazy arse. Progress only really started in November. Its rotten state explains why this waltzer no longer makes teenagers dizzy on Skegness seafront. The plan is to retain its original hand painted artwork and make it solid. Pete, my chippy mate, has reinforced the floors with 1″ MDF, bolted up some wheelie bin casters and torn out the rubber vertical pew back rest.

The wooden frame is now raked and ready to accept a more chilled backrest. Upholstery comes once I’ve removed the entire french windows of the house to get this 6ft-circular hulk indoors. The wife is delighted.

Metal flake vinyl upholstery is on the cards, to keep that glitzy funfair flavour:

http://www.abbeyfabricsuk.com/naugahyde.htm

http://www.jeffreyphipps.com/Inlay%2714.jpg

I might get a knock-off Tommy Hilfiger jumper and smother it in hydraulic oil to keep things ‘carny’. Thanks to Paul Harrison, Exec Director,
Communications & Public Affairs at Ford of Europe, for his classic bus/coach contacts. The side trim used on classic coaches will be used as a waistband embellishment on the waltzer. See, there was a car connection somewhere.
Trust me, that was the short version of the Waltzer saga. More coming soon. Oh, and this project was started way before celebrity Big Brother slung one in their diary room. How dare they.

Met this guy last summer @ Santa Pod raceway with a flawless black pro-street ‘57 Chevy Belair. The car was detailed to the nines. You could tell he lived and breathed every billet bit of it. He showed me the Lenco drag gearbox – probably the toughest, most distinct and complicated manual transmissions you’ve laid eyes on. Every lever is a gear. No H-gate. Slam one lever, then move to the next, then the next and so on. Each gear has its own bellhousing, which is bolted in series to the next. Lencos can be built up to five speeds, using manual or air shift. This one will handle about 3000 bhp. And that’s the point of it. Besides looking so damn macho, it’s built to withstand masses of torque and be maintained/rebuilt without too much hassle.

Not sure how it would behave on Southend sea front in stop-start traffic, but it doesn’t really matter. A tranny doesn’t get more hardcore than this. You can keep your DSG, Tiptronic, paddle-shifts and H-gates.

Not one needing a garage, MoT or insurance, thankfully. I used to read about these Tamiya Hilux trucks in brochures when I was a kid. They are regarded as the best made RC cars of the time, because the entire chassis and suspension was made of metal. Hell, it even has a 3 speed gearbox which you can shift via the radio unit. I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to own one. All I gotta do now is find a 4 channel Acoms/Futaba radio unit and speed controller. If you think the original Hilux is a tough old boot, its RC dwarf brother is pretty hardcore. Cheers to David Yu (www.auto-journals.com) for parting with his childhood companion. 

Am I the only one who gets a little damp ‘down there’ seeing these mini leaf springs and 4wd drive couplings, all crafted out of precise 1970s Japanese metal?

The advantage of owning a model Hilux as opposed to a real one is that you don’t get hounded by travellers asking if you’d like to swap it for a caravan or dog. Whether you say yes or no, the chances of it being on the drive by dawn are remarkably slim. Allegedly.

Just discovered why my Mercedes windscreen wiper stopped and started smelling of molten plastic. Interesting shaped fuse.

At least it was a  cheap fix.

Which is the 1/10th model, and which is the 1:1 real deal? Just come back from an exclusive photoshoot on the full size homage to Tamiya’s classic Sand Scorcher radio control racing buggy. Built by Walter and his team @ www.bugbox.de, the project started only 4 months ago with a 1968 Beetle bare bodyshell. Why did he do it? Like so many kids, he saved up and bought a Sand Scorcher new in 1980. The addiction only got worse, with Walter starting a VW restoration business and then deciding to build a real Sand Scorcher Baja Beetle to co-incide with Tamiya re-releasing their iconic classic kit. Watch this space for a full feature soon in Evo and various other publications.

The boys at Bug Box don’t let Germany’s record snowfall bother them. Oh no. They were offered a truly battered (but running) mk2 Golf GT for 50 Euros, got the welder and some chipboard out during their lunch hour and turned it into a snow plough for the yard. Throttle stuck half open, the poor Golf made a surprisingly competent snow slave.

If you read Car magazine (www.carmagazine.co.uk) you may be familiar with the Volvo 340 I saved from certain death. It had been languishing in a pay-and-display carpark…..for 14 months. The Police wanted it gone. Vandals raped it of badges, aerial and rear light cluster. Like one of those mad women who devote their lives to saving lame Donkeys or amputee Tortoises, I wanted to nurse it and give it another shot at life. Two weeks later it was on the drive, V5 in my name, new rear light fresh from the scrap yard and starting on the button (so long as you remembered to tug out the choke).

As of yesterday, it now lives at the hands of an 18-year old in Kent who thinks he can drift. I stuck it up for sale just before the Detroit motorshow, having seen a peach of Mercedes w124 estate for sale. I miss my old Merc wagons and although a 2-door rear drive Vulva is more fun than people think (especially when the suspension has been stiffened) it’s just not the same as Mercedes W124.In the next 48 hours a 320TE will grace the driveway where the cheeky red 1 previous owner base model 340 sat.

My Auntie and Uncle had three 300 series Volvos, the last of which was an immaculate 360 GLT. I suppose you could say that Etch-Sketch dashboard and reverse lift collar on the gear knob got me nostalgically dewy eyed. I’ll have another, and next time it will probably have a Williams Clio 16v engine under the front hinged bonnet. So long my Swedish sweet-heart.

It’s hard to believe that exactly 12 months ago I had some quality intercourse next to the open fire in our lounge, and now there’s a 14 week baby daughter staring at me as a constant reminder. She is the best Christmas gift ever, and it looks like she will see her first 25th December with snow on the ground. It doesn’t get better than that. I hope snow doesn’t become a distant memory by the time she grows up and global warming has made Britain the same temp as North California. If that’s the case I’m going to Scandinavia. Sweden or Norway are the only countries outside the UK I fancy living. Cold winters, hot summers, plenty of chilled out people who love American cars and vintage VWs. The ridiculous booze would make you go homebrew, but that’s no bad thing.

Aaaanyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Christmas and fruitful 2010. Personally, I want 2010 to be a frugal year. A year where people realise that buying new stuff isn’t always the solution – that chucking items into landfill isn’t solving any problems. I kinda hope that in the recession people will start to rekindle some of that wartime ‘mend and make do’ mentality. There’s a lot of it already about, like encouraging people to make Christmas cards (they only get hung on a fireplace for 5 days then thrown into the flames…). It would be great to see the younger generations learning to re-use and recycle more. Bloody hell, this is sounding like a working class Queen’s speech…..

With snow on the ground, now is the time to test your driving skills. Head forth and experiment with handbrakes (fwd) or the Scandinavian flick (rear drive). I can report that the Scando flick is more impressive than the Lincolnshire slide.

The pics could inspire you – especially the one taken by a chap called Phil Ethier. I just borrowed it as it’s a cool shot. Note the difference between front-drive and rear-drive cars is amplified when you’re jostling on ice. 911 getting quality oversteer, while the Saab is having a still-winding-the-wheel-but-still-going-straight-on situation.

Enjoy Christmas and the new year guys, and thanks for logging on to this blog. Keep the eyes peeled out for more www.carpervert.com progress in January. I might finally lower the Volvo 340 as well. 2010 is just around the corner. Crikey, every time I say 2010 it sounds like something from a Thunderbirds episode.

I wonder what my 80-odd year old Grandmas think about it? They were born in a time when cars were only for the wealthy few. They have survived a bitter long World War, the boom of the 50s, the drugs and madness of the ’70s, and now one of them has a 2gb digital photo frame slide show and the other regularly drives her Clio and texts me stuff like ‘LUV U’. Old people rock.

We’re all getting older, and you know what that means. Cheaper car insurance.

It is with great pride that I celebrate the same birth year as Tamiya’s most desirable and popular radio control car. The VW Baja Sand Scorcher. Boxed unbuilt examples now change hands for up to £2300 and this was regarded as the world’s first proper off-road mass produced RC model. Metal torsion bar suspension components, oil filled shocks and rear drive. I loved the Scorcher to bits. Sadly it had been discontinued before I saved up to buy one, so had to settle for the Monster Beetle.

I’d still have the Monster Beetle today, but had to flog it to put towards my first real car: a VW Beetle, obviously. The Sand Scorcher’s influence ran deep in my veins. Thank you Tamiya. I look forward to the re-release.

Hi there blog warriors. Now I realise that Fifth Gear is not currently on our screens (and it’s not clear if it will be returning), but some of you have asked if they can watch films online. Well the computer says yes. To watch some of my past Filth Gear filth, go click this:

http://fwd.five.tv/profiles/Johnny_Smith/presented-videos

For more stuff please follow my YoU TubE channel: www.youtube.com/carpervert

Is that everything? Mmmm. Oh, one more thing. Some have asked what was the scariest experience in a car. Well, jumping a Sierra when I worked on max Power magazine to celebrate the Dukes of Hazzard film is probably up there. I have permanent neck damage as a constant reminder of why Hanns devices are good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjU2BRd_WPA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5BtAuQlWsY

For those who haven’t seen any previous info on this car, I am building a 2 door Austin Allegro with an engine transplant from a Rover 827 V6. It has a 5-spd gearbox, Golf GTI coilovers and discs and VW Polo steel 14″ wheels. The idea is to keep it stock looking, a real sleeper.

Had this email this morning from MB Motorsport in Hebburn, who are building the Antique Gold 1-owner ’70s retirement rocket. This is what they said:

“hello jonny, the car is making plenty of progress , its on the ramp as we speak, the engine is mounted in , drive shafts made ,gear linkage
made, stearing rack modified, front suspension all tied together. will have rad dimensions asap for you , there is a company up here can make them if you want ? you will need to get a new pair of headlamps for a mot and it could really do with a front valance ,it spoils the rest of the car. It’s basically rotted around those fake fog light vent things, and near to the tie rod mount.”

Naturally I’m rock hard with excitement as there’s a chance this 2 year project could be finished by Xmas!

Watch this space for the project Retirement Rocket. The world’s first 2.7-litre series 2 Austin Allegro with series 1 quartic steering wheel and front grille. Such an accolade….